Nur Kommentar Birthday

[DreamerofNights]

Sometimes ther are only 10 minutes left. And then everything feels like it will change. You turn 18 in only nine minutes now. What will you do?

What will I do?
In this moment, I feel like nothing. I feel like everything is falling apart and I don't want it to continue, on the other side I just don't know, what holds all this together, and myself too. Only six minutes left.
Maybe I will feel happy. Maybe I will cry. Maybe my wishes will come true and maybe I just cry because I see them drifting apart. I feel so much and still like nothing. I fell, I have to do something, but the little piece in my heart is asking "What is it?". There is nothing to do for me.

Only four minutes and I am ready. I am ready to smile and to cry. I am ready to hide and to shine like I think, everyone wants me to do. I will try to be happy.
But the only feeling I have in this last three minutes is just sorrowness.

Goodbye little past self. You were strong and I hope you will try to be strong again in the future. But it's okay if you are not ready yet. If you want to cry, run, hide and the hell, never look back. I don't know what's right for you little dear, but let me tell you something in this last minute.

I love you, even no one else does. I love myself by every piece and every day I understand myself more.
Thanks for existing.

 

[Driekes]

Moin DreamerofNights,

das ist ein stark gebauter Text: Die Minuten-Zählung zieht die Spannung immer enger,
und dadurch wirkt das Ganze sehr direkt und konzentriert.
Mir gefällt besonders der Wechsel zwischen „ich bin bereit“ und dem Druck, funktionieren zu müssen –
das kommt ohne Pathos aus und bleibt trotzdem nah.
Das Ende sitzt: keine große Lösung, eher eine klare, selbst gegebene Zusage.

Nur als kleines Feintuning (wirklich Kleinkram):
Da sind ein paar kleine Schreib-/Wortwahl-Sachen drin („ther“, „sorrowness“, „I fell“),
die man glattziehen könnte, damit der Text noch flüssiger wirkt –
aber die Stimme und die Wucht sind schon da.

LG. Driekes